Stage One: Remembering ~ Step One: Breakthrough Crisis

Step One ~ I am in breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.

At this point, Survivors often experience a "breakthrough crisis." This is when something happens that releases a flood of old memories, feelings, and even physical sensations of their abuse.  Not all survivors are disturbed when this happens, however, for many it can be a very trying time in their recovery.  This may even be what pushes the Survivor to finally face their past and seek help.
The ways in which your breakthrough crisis manifests can depend on the level of abuse you went through.  Those who experienced less severe abuse may experience a low-grade, perpetual state of disorganization in which everything that can go wrong does go wrong.  This can reinforce your anxiety, depression and shame all your worst feelings about yourself.  Those who experienced more extreme and prolonged abuse in which terror or violence often experienced.  This leaves you feeling like the scared little child again, lacking any sort of adult control over your life. You may even think you are going crazy and may come up with all sorts of possible explanations for what is going on. Triggers for this type of reaction can include seeing a movie, engaging in a relationship that unexpectedly turns abusive or having a sexual experience that somehow parallels the childhood sexual abuse.

As a child, you developed formidable psychological defenses to protect yourself against this massive assault, and you probably continued to rely on these rigid defenses well into adulthood, until they no longer worked for you.  Like an earthquake, this realignment results in the release of powerful feelings and energy, and can create periods of disorganization, helplessness and incredible fear. If you are a survivor of truly severe abuse, you may have mini-breakthrough crises as each new set of abuse memories surfaces, although these smaller crises are usually not as tumultuous as the first.

Crises are scary. You have been used to screening out all stimuli that might trigger your out-of-control feelings, only to feel that now you have lost control over your mind. Although it is frightening to do so, it is best in the long run to let these feelings out. Although the breakthrough crisis is normal, you should take special precautions during this time to preserve your safety and to promote healthy integration of these memories and feelings. Anyone is vulnerable in a crisis, and there have been reports of survivors attempting suicide or engaging in other self- destructive behaviors in response to the crisis.  Your task during the breakthrough crisis is to minimize the danger to yourself by reaching out for help while riding the tidal wave of feelings safely into shore.

The Survivor to Thriver Manual has some great Self Help information and exercises.   It is important that you give yourself the time you need to work through each step.  You do not have to hurry.  Your healing is on YOUR timetable.  If you need to work Step One for several weeks, allow yourself that time.  Hurrying through the steps without doing the work will not help you in the long run.  Always make sure to have your list of support people handy and reach out if you feel you are having trouble.  If you find it hard to reach out to someone you know, please see the Resources page on this blog for contact numbers of centers that can help you.

Stage One ~ Remembering

Congratulations!  You have made it this far in your commitment to heal!

Now is the time to cinch up your courage and take the important first step on your path to processing your abuse and ultimately making changes in the self-destructive and maladaptive behaviors that have become your coping mechanisms.
As we discussed before, you must establish some level of calm in your life before embarking on this journey.  If you find you move from one disaster to another in your life, please revisit the Crisis Mode Stabilization post on this blog and the corresponding sections of the Survivor to Thriver Manual.

In Stage One recovery, your main task will be to acknowledge one of the reasons your life may be unsatisfying or even harmful to you your childhood abuse and then begin to regain some self-control and stability by identifying the trauma symptoms that may be left over from your past. Out of this new awareness of the long-term impact of the abuse is born a commitment to recovery. The steps in Stage One will help you begin to heal the wounds inside and thus pave the way for changes to be made later on in Stage Two and Stage Three.

How long will this take?  Each Stage can take anywhere from one to three years to complete.  This depends on the severity of your abuse, how much of your abuse you remember, and the extent of emotional wounding that occurred.  This may seem like forever and it may feel overwhelming to think of it in those terms.  Please remember, each individual survivor's journey is unique to that person.  That person alone is the only one who can determine the pace of their recovery.  Please do not compare your recovery to that of any other survivor.  We are all different.  We have all experienced different levels and severity of abuse.  We all have our own way of coping with our wounds.  Most importantly, we alone are the ones who can determine that it is time to move on to the next step.

How do I know I'm ready to move on to the next step?  Listen to the voice of your newly developing self that fair, honest and objective sense inside you that is growing stronger day by day. Listen to this voice and cultivate its developing wisdom. This voice will signal when you have resolved the task or issue presented by each step. The step is accomplished if you can demonstrate the task in action with another person your therapist, partner or ASCA members and thus begin to integrate it into your new self. If you move forward to another step prematurely, simply admit it to yourself and return to the earlier step until you resolve it. Remember, too, that the 21 Steps are flexible and that you do not have to work them in a linear progression.

Your recovery may not be flawless and that is perfectly fine!  Follow your journey of recovery YOUR way, in YOUR time, at YOUR comfort level.  This is not a race.  You do not have to heal at anyone else's pace or according to anyone else's concepts.  You are in control of how your journey progresses.  The most important thing is to consistently re-enforce and integrate the new standards and values you are creating for yourself.  These will form the foundation on which you will continue to build in Stage Two and Stage Three.

Take time to calm and center and we will begin Step One in the next post.  You can do this!