Stage One: Remembering ~ Step Two: I Have Determined That I Was Abused

Step Two ~  I have determined that I was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child.

This step asks you to determine and then acknowledge to yourself that you were abused as a child and that the effects of the abuse may be causing some of your difficulties as an adult. Many of us who are in the process of recalling memories of our past may not yet have objective evidence of the abuse, and we may never find outside validation or corroboration of what happened. Instead, our evidence may be more intuitive. Even in the absence of "hard evidence," these intuitive feelings are significant and should not be dismissed. Many abuse survivors were either too traumatized or psychologically incapable of organizing memories into words and images that can be recollected years later. If this is where you are in your recovery now, continue to work this step to clarify the kind of abuse you suffered. If you need to, refer to the section on "False Memories, Real Memories," in Chapter One.

An important sub-goal in this step is learning to accept your feelings about the abuse, whatever they may be at this time. These feelings may not make complete sense to you, but they are there for a reason. In the same way that the pain from a bruise tells you of a physical injury, the feelings associated with your abuse signal an internal emotional bruise. Instead of ignoring the feelings, you should try to figure out what those feelings are telling you. As a survivor, you probably had your feelings invalidated by your parents or abusers, so not recognizing your feelings as valid now may be an old pattern you want to break. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt when it comes to verifying your feelings. You will need time and help to sort out what happened, free of the denial and distortion of the past.

You can find the Self Help exercises for this Step in the Survivor to Thriver Manual.  Please remember when working on these exercises that you should have a good support system in place including a therapist, support group, crisis hotline numbers, and perhaps a trusted friend.  If you become overwhelmed by your feelings and thoughts when doing the exercises, please put them aside for a time and utilize your self-soothing activity list and safety plan if needed.

As I have said before, YOU are in charge of your healing process.  You need not hurry through it for someone else's benefit.  You control how long it takes you to work through each step and how ever long it may take for you to feel you have completed the step is the exact right amount of time.  This journey belongs to you.

Courage and Time

Hello Friends,

My it has been a long time since we came together.  My deepest apologies, life sent things topsy-turvy for a while and I'm just getting my feet back on the ground.  So instead of jumping back into the ASCA Steps to Recovery, I thought I would share some things that helped me find my courage.

You see, a few years ago, I was in what I thought was a safe, healing space.  Unfortunately, someone in that group was a predator.  I will not go into the specific details of what happened to me.  I do not wish to trigger anyone else with my experience.  However, what happened to me sent me to a very dark place.  That place was darker than the one I was in when I first began my journey from survivor to thriver.  I felt out of control and had no idea what to do. 

When I was able to find some semblance of thinking in the days that followed, I knew I had to go

back to what I knew at the beginning of my journey.  I took out my journals from the time was in therapy and re-read them looking for ways to make sense of my feelings and find my footing.  I made sure I had the numbers for the local crisis hotline and my therapist in easy reach in case they were needed.  I set about making lists of self soothing activities I could do for when I started to feel out of control or ungrounded (do the dishes, drink a cup of tea, read a book, color, etc.).   I again went through the "Survivor to Thriver Manual" to refresh my understanding of the process back to myself. 

It was not an easy time.  I had to fight to find myself again after years of work to finally feel whole.  For a lot of us the word fight has a negative emotion connected to it.  When we are growing up, we are told not to fight with our siblings and classmates.  As a survivor, we are told during the abuse to fight our natural instincts of self-preservation when things feel wrong.  As people-pleasers, we are taught that our natural fight to take care of ourselves first is selfish. 

Wow, that's a lot of negativity connected to one word!  So it is not uncommon to feel that fighting FOR yourself is wrong.  One definition of the word fight is "to put forth a determined effort."  As a survivor, you MUST put forth a determined effort to heal.  This is even more crucial when you have been on your journey and experience a setback.  Setbacks can come in the form of a flashback, a trigger, a negative person who wishes you would just get over it already, or even in the person who abused you who is still in your life trying to convince you there is nothing wrong.  It is at these times that we must remember and utilize the tools available to use: a list of the crisis hotline numbers for your local area, your therapist's phone number, a trusted friend's phone number, a list of self-soothing activities, and any other things you have found helpful in grounding you on your journey. 

A setback does not mean that all is lost.  A setback means that you must fight that much harder to find and stay in the light!  You have already survived the abuse, so you can survive and ultimately thrive on your journey!  This is YOUR time!  The time to put yourself and your needs first.  The time to confirm that you are a survivor, not a victim!  Your time to believe that you have the right and the courage to take your journey to not just surviving, but thriving!  I know you can do it!

Stage One ~ Remembering

Congratulations!  You have made it this far in your commitment to heal!

Now is the time to cinch up your courage and take the important first step on your path to processing your abuse and ultimately making changes in the self-destructive and maladaptive behaviors that have become your coping mechanisms.
As we discussed before, you must establish some level of calm in your life before embarking on this journey.  If you find you move from one disaster to another in your life, please revisit the Crisis Mode Stabilization post on this blog and the corresponding sections of the Survivor to Thriver Manual.

In Stage One recovery, your main task will be to acknowledge one of the reasons your life may be unsatisfying or even harmful to you your childhood abuse and then begin to regain some self-control and stability by identifying the trauma symptoms that may be left over from your past. Out of this new awareness of the long-term impact of the abuse is born a commitment to recovery. The steps in Stage One will help you begin to heal the wounds inside and thus pave the way for changes to be made later on in Stage Two and Stage Three.

How long will this take?  Each Stage can take anywhere from one to three years to complete.  This depends on the severity of your abuse, how much of your abuse you remember, and the extent of emotional wounding that occurred.  This may seem like forever and it may feel overwhelming to think of it in those terms.  Please remember, each individual survivor's journey is unique to that person.  That person alone is the only one who can determine the pace of their recovery.  Please do not compare your recovery to that of any other survivor.  We are all different.  We have all experienced different levels and severity of abuse.  We all have our own way of coping with our wounds.  Most importantly, we alone are the ones who can determine that it is time to move on to the next step.

How do I know I'm ready to move on to the next step?  Listen to the voice of your newly developing self that fair, honest and objective sense inside you that is growing stronger day by day. Listen to this voice and cultivate its developing wisdom. This voice will signal when you have resolved the task or issue presented by each step. The step is accomplished if you can demonstrate the task in action with another person your therapist, partner or ASCA members and thus begin to integrate it into your new self. If you move forward to another step prematurely, simply admit it to yourself and return to the earlier step until you resolve it. Remember, too, that the 21 Steps are flexible and that you do not have to work them in a linear progression.

Your recovery may not be flawless and that is perfectly fine!  Follow your journey of recovery YOUR way, in YOUR time, at YOUR comfort level.  This is not a race.  You do not have to heal at anyone else's pace or according to anyone else's concepts.  You are in control of how your journey progresses.  The most important thing is to consistently re-enforce and integrate the new standards and values you are creating for yourself.  These will form the foundation on which you will continue to build in Stage Two and Stage Three.

Take time to calm and center and we will begin Step One in the next post.  You can do this!