Stage One: Remembering ~ Step One: Breakthrough Crisis

Step One ~ I am in breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.

At this point, Survivors often experience a "breakthrough crisis." This is when something happens that releases a flood of old memories, feelings, and even physical sensations of their abuse.  Not all survivors are disturbed when this happens, however, for many it can be a very trying time in their recovery.  This may even be what pushes the Survivor to finally face their past and seek help.
The ways in which your breakthrough crisis manifests can depend on the level of abuse you went through.  Those who experienced less severe abuse may experience a low-grade, perpetual state of disorganization in which everything that can go wrong does go wrong.  This can reinforce your anxiety, depression and shame all your worst feelings about yourself.  Those who experienced more extreme and prolonged abuse in which terror or violence often experienced.  This leaves you feeling like the scared little child again, lacking any sort of adult control over your life. You may even think you are going crazy and may come up with all sorts of possible explanations for what is going on. Triggers for this type of reaction can include seeing a movie, engaging in a relationship that unexpectedly turns abusive or having a sexual experience that somehow parallels the childhood sexual abuse.

As a child, you developed formidable psychological defenses to protect yourself against this massive assault, and you probably continued to rely on these rigid defenses well into adulthood, until they no longer worked for you.  Like an earthquake, this realignment results in the release of powerful feelings and energy, and can create periods of disorganization, helplessness and incredible fear. If you are a survivor of truly severe abuse, you may have mini-breakthrough crises as each new set of abuse memories surfaces, although these smaller crises are usually not as tumultuous as the first.

Crises are scary. You have been used to screening out all stimuli that might trigger your out-of-control feelings, only to feel that now you have lost control over your mind. Although it is frightening to do so, it is best in the long run to let these feelings out. Although the breakthrough crisis is normal, you should take special precautions during this time to preserve your safety and to promote healthy integration of these memories and feelings. Anyone is vulnerable in a crisis, and there have been reports of survivors attempting suicide or engaging in other self- destructive behaviors in response to the crisis.  Your task during the breakthrough crisis is to minimize the danger to yourself by reaching out for help while riding the tidal wave of feelings safely into shore.

The Survivor to Thriver Manual has some great Self Help information and exercises.   It is important that you give yourself the time you need to work through each step.  You do not have to hurry.  Your healing is on YOUR timetable.  If you need to work Step One for several weeks, allow yourself that time.  Hurrying through the steps without doing the work will not help you in the long run.  Always make sure to have your list of support people handy and reach out if you feel you are having trouble.  If you find it hard to reach out to someone you know, please see the Resources page on this blog for contact numbers of centers that can help you.

Crisis Mode Stabilization

Prior to starting my own journey from Survivor to Thriver, I did not have much semblance of calm in my day to day life.  Each day began with dread and a sense of impending doom.  How would today turn out? Could I get through today without breaking down and dissolving into tears?  If I did break down, how long would it take me to get it under control and regain some measure of functionality?  It was terrifying!  More than that, it was a constant reminder that I was still not in control.  As Survivors know, control is a huge issue for us.  We had no control during our abuse and were not taught how to be in control.  So we have grown into these out of control adults who don’t know how to take care of ourselves. 

The Survivor to Thriver Manual by The Morris Center discusses “crisis mode (p. 28),” “Many survivors find themselves functioning in "crisis mode," responding with stopgap measures that do nothing to resolve the underlying issues. As a result, each new crisis consumes precious energy and attention, and the task of resolving the underlying issues is ignored. Living life in "crisis mode" is truly exhausting and dispiriting. After years, it can lead to discouragement, helplessness and hopelessness.”  Recovery really is possible.  However, to give yourself the best chance at recovery, you should settle as many of the crises in your life as possible before beginning this journey.  By taking this step, you can reduce the frequency of the crises in your life and take the energy and attention that would have been taken up by yet another stopgap measure and focus that on your recovery.

 

Chapter Two of The Survivor to Thriver Manual discusses Safety First.  You should ALWAYS feel safe in your recovery.  If you do not feel safe, physically, mentally and emotionally, it will be very difficult for you to make the changes needed to progress with your recovery.  Please take the time to read Chapter Two (p. 17) in the Survivor to Thriver Manual and work the assessments and checklists honestly.  Only you can honestly answer these questions.  If you are less than honest with your answers, you may not feel as safe as you could when starting this process. 

Deciding that it is time to become not just a survivor but a thriver is not an easy one.  Fear seems to rear its head whenever we try to take back the parts of us that were taken by our abusers.  In times of fear or uncertainty during my journey, I would frequently think of the quote, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger. -Friedrich Nietzsche”   I survived my abuse.  If I can survive that, then I can survive my recovery.  More recently I have found another quote about fear which speaks volumes.  Are you going to run or are you going to rise?