Courage and Time

Hello Friends,

My it has been a long time since we came together.  My deepest apologies, life sent things topsy-turvy for a while and I'm just getting my feet back on the ground.  So instead of jumping back into the ASCA Steps to Recovery, I thought I would share some things that helped me find my courage.

You see, a few years ago, I was in what I thought was a safe, healing space.  Unfortunately, someone in that group was a predator.  I will not go into the specific details of what happened to me.  I do not wish to trigger anyone else with my experience.  However, what happened to me sent me to a very dark place.  That place was darker than the one I was in when I first began my journey from survivor to thriver.  I felt out of control and had no idea what to do. 

When I was able to find some semblance of thinking in the days that followed, I knew I had to go

back to what I knew at the beginning of my journey.  I took out my journals from the time was in therapy and re-read them looking for ways to make sense of my feelings and find my footing.  I made sure I had the numbers for the local crisis hotline and my therapist in easy reach in case they were needed.  I set about making lists of self soothing activities I could do for when I started to feel out of control or ungrounded (do the dishes, drink a cup of tea, read a book, color, etc.).   I again went through the "Survivor to Thriver Manual" to refresh my understanding of the process back to myself. 

It was not an easy time.  I had to fight to find myself again after years of work to finally feel whole.  For a lot of us the word fight has a negative emotion connected to it.  When we are growing up, we are told not to fight with our siblings and classmates.  As a survivor, we are told during the abuse to fight our natural instincts of self-preservation when things feel wrong.  As people-pleasers, we are taught that our natural fight to take care of ourselves first is selfish. 

Wow, that's a lot of negativity connected to one word!  So it is not uncommon to feel that fighting FOR yourself is wrong.  One definition of the word fight is "to put forth a determined effort."  As a survivor, you MUST put forth a determined effort to heal.  This is even more crucial when you have been on your journey and experience a setback.  Setbacks can come in the form of a flashback, a trigger, a negative person who wishes you would just get over it already, or even in the person who abused you who is still in your life trying to convince you there is nothing wrong.  It is at these times that we must remember and utilize the tools available to use: a list of the crisis hotline numbers for your local area, your therapist's phone number, a trusted friend's phone number, a list of self-soothing activities, and any other things you have found helpful in grounding you on your journey. 

A setback does not mean that all is lost.  A setback means that you must fight that much harder to find and stay in the light!  You have already survived the abuse, so you can survive and ultimately thrive on your journey!  This is YOUR time!  The time to put yourself and your needs first.  The time to confirm that you are a survivor, not a victim!  Your time to believe that you have the right and the courage to take your journey to not just surviving, but thriving!  I know you can do it!

Stage One: Remembering ~ Step One: Breakthrough Crisis

Step One ~ I am in breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.

At this point, Survivors often experience a "breakthrough crisis." This is when something happens that releases a flood of old memories, feelings, and even physical sensations of their abuse.  Not all survivors are disturbed when this happens, however, for many it can be a very trying time in their recovery.  This may even be what pushes the Survivor to finally face their past and seek help.
The ways in which your breakthrough crisis manifests can depend on the level of abuse you went through.  Those who experienced less severe abuse may experience a low-grade, perpetual state of disorganization in which everything that can go wrong does go wrong.  This can reinforce your anxiety, depression and shame all your worst feelings about yourself.  Those who experienced more extreme and prolonged abuse in which terror or violence often experienced.  This leaves you feeling like the scared little child again, lacking any sort of adult control over your life. You may even think you are going crazy and may come up with all sorts of possible explanations for what is going on. Triggers for this type of reaction can include seeing a movie, engaging in a relationship that unexpectedly turns abusive or having a sexual experience that somehow parallels the childhood sexual abuse.

As a child, you developed formidable psychological defenses to protect yourself against this massive assault, and you probably continued to rely on these rigid defenses well into adulthood, until they no longer worked for you.  Like an earthquake, this realignment results in the release of powerful feelings and energy, and can create periods of disorganization, helplessness and incredible fear. If you are a survivor of truly severe abuse, you may have mini-breakthrough crises as each new set of abuse memories surfaces, although these smaller crises are usually not as tumultuous as the first.

Crises are scary. You have been used to screening out all stimuli that might trigger your out-of-control feelings, only to feel that now you have lost control over your mind. Although it is frightening to do so, it is best in the long run to let these feelings out. Although the breakthrough crisis is normal, you should take special precautions during this time to preserve your safety and to promote healthy integration of these memories and feelings. Anyone is vulnerable in a crisis, and there have been reports of survivors attempting suicide or engaging in other self- destructive behaviors in response to the crisis.  Your task during the breakthrough crisis is to minimize the danger to yourself by reaching out for help while riding the tidal wave of feelings safely into shore.

The Survivor to Thriver Manual has some great Self Help information and exercises.   It is important that you give yourself the time you need to work through each step.  You do not have to hurry.  Your healing is on YOUR timetable.  If you need to work Step One for several weeks, allow yourself that time.  Hurrying through the steps without doing the work will not help you in the long run.  Always make sure to have your list of support people handy and reach out if you feel you are having trouble.  If you find it hard to reach out to someone you know, please see the Resources page on this blog for contact numbers of centers that can help you.